All over the world and on social media, we’re (finally!) having honest conversations about anti-Black racism, and how white supremacy hurts everyone. Including white people.
If we’re going to talk about anti-Black racism, then we need to talk about online dating because sexual racism is rampant on dating apps.
LGBTQ+ Dating apps
For heterosexual singles, who identify as Black, Indigenous or people of colour (known as BIPOCs), sexual racism is slightly easier to ignore because racists privately filter, or simply ignore our messages.
But for LGBTQ+ singles however, racism is shamelessly out in the open. Do a quick internet search and you’ll find hundreds of personal stories, from BIPOC’s about the daily and blatant racism they face on gay dating apps.
For example, if dating profiles don’t outright say, “Whites only,” or “No Blacks, Asians, Spanish people, etc.” on LGBTQ dating apps, it’s common to see things like, no chocolate (Black people), rice (East Asians), spice (Latinex people), curry (South Asians), and femmes (feminine gay men).
Unusual circumstances
I don't know a single Black girl or woman, raised in the West, who didn't think at one point or another, “I wonder if she/he/they dates Black women?” And thanks to internalized anti-Blackness, sometimes we ask this question, even when the love interest is also Black.
It’s important to note the subtlety. The question isn't one of attractiveness. Black women are beautiful. Just ask your local plastic surgeon, fashion house or Kardashian 😏.
The question is whether the person we’re interested in, whatever their race, thinks humans like you are dateable.
Similarly, I don’t know a single Black boy or man, raised in the West, who hasn't had someone hint, or outright express romantic interest, solely because of the myth of the Black penis.
The strange thing about sexual racism directed at Black men is that they’re often told to be flattered by this way of thinking.
And of course, thanks to history & internalized racism, some do laugh or take pride in it (no pun intended). But it's not a joke. Open a history book & you'll know that it has always been very dangerous for Black men to be seen as an exotic lay, or reduced to being a 'BBC'.
The impacts of sexual racism
Do you know what sexual racism does to people on the inside? To wonder every time you’re attracted to someone, whether that person thinks humans like you are worthy of dating, or bringing home, or marrying, or being seen with outside of a bedroom?
If you're going to talk or post about Black LIVES, including LGBTQ+ lives, you're also responsible for unlearning the way you see Black bodies.
This includes unlearning who gets to be seen as fully human, with a complex inner life and emotions; and who is portrayed as a sexual conquest or romantic sampling platter.
The preference police
I can already hear some of the push back. "You can't control who you like," or "Well, it's just my preference."
Sure but have you ever asked yourself why your ‘preferences’ allign perfectly with racial hierarchies and/or stereotypes, invented during (and to justify) the Trans-Antlantic slave trade and global colonialism? A preference? Sure. 🙃
xoxo,
The Dating Doula
P.S. I'm a Black womxn creative. The brain power, time and energy I invest in creating these posts is valuable. If you’d like to use this blog post on your website or social media, please email for permission first. Many thanks! 🙏🏿
